If you’re reading this, Lindsey and I are still in one piece. We’ve successfully packed our lives into boxes and moved out to Delafield, WI.

I don’t know about her, but I had a wonderful time hanging out with our parents driving that little ‘95 Ranger across the states. Thirty hours is a long time to spend with someone in the car, especially one as cramped as mine. Even with our luggage and furniture hanging out the back, snacks and water bottles strewn about the cabin, and only two inches to recline our chairs, these are memories that I will cherish forever. Sure it got a little hectic, like that time we had to stop in a gas station in the middle of Nebraska. Great dark cumulonimbus clouds stretched over the horizon and the wind was howling, a herald of the coming storm. Two minutes prior, Lindsey had warned us that she was driving through a serious downpour. As dad and I untied the cargo straps and stretched the tarp over our luggage, I could smell the rain on the wind. As we ratcheted the last strap and started driving into the clouds, droplets began to hit the windshield... Read the rest on my Substack!

1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Deep down, I wish that I could live perfectly. I wish that I could present the best image of myself, the one that's funny, charming, well rested, and immaculately groomed. Instead (as is often the case) the world often receives the real Jeremiah. The Jeremiah with mismatching socks or coffee on his shirt, who forgets his keys, wallet, and hat, and has to go back into the house three times to grab them, the Jeremiah that says embarassing things and makes grave social mistakes. The world even gets the Jeremiah that sins, that harbors ill feelings in his heart to the person that cut him off in traffic; The world receives a Jeremiah that constantly misses the mark and fails to meet the standard. Let me be the first to admit that these are the ramblings of a man with an obnoxious and racous critical voice, but surely you, dear reader, understand a sliver of what I feel. Even in talking about these two sides of me, I've conceded that one is fiction and one is reality. I'm aware of this falsehood, and yet I continue to yearn for it.

Continuing the above passage, "If we say that we have not sinned, we make him [Jesus Christ] a liar, and his word is not in us. So what then? Am I going to continue coexisting with this critical voice, raging between my ears, or shall I call God a liar? What am I left with?

Humility, contrition, and acceptance.

The key to my peace is to reform this broken view of relationship, and adopt a more healthy outlook. Our imperfection is a feature and not a bug, it's simply the state of affairs on this side of eternity. Perfect performance does not make a true, earnest, loving, and worthwhile relationship. A worthwhile and seasoned relationship operates on love, reader I hope you know this to be true.

Let me illustrate this point about performance with a story from my father. One day, my sister ran to meet my dad at the door. She said, "Dad dad, I painted you a picture!" as she presented her finger painted masterpiece. As any father would do, he took the photo and held it up to the light, marveling and saying, "this is wonderful honey!" As he held the picture she said, "Do you love me because I painted you a picture?" When he heard these words, his heart broke. He knelt down and picked up his daughter and said, "Of course I love you, I love the painting too, but I love you more than anything in the world."

My father's love was never predicated upon a painting, or anything that my sister could make or achieve. He loves her, period.

Reflecting on my life, I've come to realize that I've never had a perfect relationship with anyone. In every single close relationship I've had, I have made mistakes. I've fought and bickered with my closest friends, and we've all managed to stay friends since middle school (2009, time marches on). I used to punch and kick my brother, and now we're inseparable. Reader, I'm sure that you've experience such rends and rifts in your relationships, but please know that when we med our broken relationships, they are made stronger.

When Nathan tells King David the story of the rich man who stole the little sheep, let the reader understand which story I'm speaking of, King David tears his clothes, falls to his knees, and repents. When Jonah tells the Ninevites of their wicked ways, they all put on sackcloth and ashes and repent. In both cases, God is merciful to the penitent.

Humility, contrition, and acceptance are the key. Kyrie eleison, Christe eleison, Kyrie eleison.

Deuteronomy 29:29
The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.

God knows the hearts of men. How foolish are we to think otherwise? Thus Elihu did say to Job, "For his eyes are on the ways of a man, and he sees all his steps. There is no gloom or deep darkness where evildoers may hide themselves."

Yea, even those Gentiles, those who have not God's Law, know this to be true, for the companions of Jonah cried out, “'What is this that you have done!' For the men knew that he was fleeing from the presence of the Lord."

Knowing this, the writer of the Epistle to the Hebrews admonishes us, "Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account."

I'm struck by the plain language of this verse. As I anticipate moving away and packing my life into a truck to drive out to Wisconsin, I am plagued with doubts and fears. Am I too sinful to embark on such a journey? Am I fit to be a vessel for God? Will I make a good servant of the Church? Not of my own accord, not by my own hand.

And yet, God kept His promise to the Israelites. Through the Red Sea, He delivered them from the hands of the Egyptians. He led them by a pillar of cloud and a pillar of fire. He fed them with the food of angels, and their foot did not swell and their clothing did not wear out. Even after the gold calf at Horeb, and the strange fires of the sons of Korah, and after the rock was struck at Meribah. God was faithful, and the nation of Israel passed over the river Jordan into the promised land.

These secret things are God's. In this age and in this state of grace, we cannot hope to know God, else we would be God. He will always be shrouded in darkness. But the things that have been revealed to us, the miracles, His law, His Son, these are enough for us to keep this law. His grace is sufficient.

"I do not exist for myself or for society. I do not exist for the sake of my family or nation. I exist for God, for consecration. My service is for God."
-St. Evelyn Underhill

Kyrie eleison, Christe eleison, Kyrie eleison.

First blog post :p